How to Set Up Your First BDSM Scene

It’s time: you’ve established a mutual interest in BDSM with your partner, discussed your kinks and you’re finally ready to do your first scene together. Make sure you have all your female and male sex toys ready for each other.

A scene of intentional roleplay and power exchange can be an intense and intimate erotic experience, but in order for it to go well, you and your partner will have to plan accordingly. The following are a few crucial steps that will help you build the foundation of a successful scene:

Pick a fantasy that’s simple to enact. For your first scene, start with something that requires minimal props. 

BDSM is about imagination and play. Props, restraints and toys make play even more exciting, but you don’t need an elaborate setup for a hot scene. 

Pick up any props you need, whether it’s a favorite vibrator, a set of restraints or an impact implement. Don’t try any new toys during your first scene: if you’re doing an impact scene, for example, use a familiar toy that the person receiving impact knows that they like, and that the dominant partner knows how (and how much) to use.

Pick a time and place that’s comfortable for you. Trying anything new is easier in a setting with minimal distractions. Ideally, do your first scene in your bedroom or other familiar environment. 

Pick a time where you’ll both be undistracted and alert. That means no crammed scheduling and no super-late-night play (unless you’re both naturally night owls). Try to do your scene on a day when you’re both free of obligations and can map out plenty of time for winding down after the scene. Don’t rush! 

Guarantee yourself privacy, too, to make yourself more comfortable. Concerned about roommates, or kids? Hire a babysitter or book a motel room for the day.

Set up the story or actions. This part’s the most fun — besides the scene itself, of course.

Think of planning a scene as putting on a play or choreographing a dance. It doesn’t have to be rigid, but you should have some idea of how you want it to progress: for example, starting out with spanking, moving on to verbal humiliation and finishing with an orgasm. There are unlimited possibilities. 

It’s also helpful to discuss not just the actions themselves, but what you both want to get out of them. To use the example of spanking again, would the submissive partner like to be “punished” with spanking, resist it, and be further punished with verbal humiliation? Or will the spanking be a test of endurance for which they are rewarded? There are multiple ways each partner might want to enjoy it, and you should both know before doing the scene.

Know what actions will start and end the scene so it’s clear. Play can take you both to some psychologically intense territory, so separating vanilla life from kink is important. Common ways to begin and end a scene are putting a collar on the submissive partner then taking it off, playing a song or even saying a few agreed-upon words.

Always wind down post-scene with aftercare. Aftercare is simply a soothing, pleasurable, sometimes non-sexual and always vanilla activity that comfortably brings both partners back into a non-kink space. Both dominant and submissive partners need aftercare that reassures them the scene was done in the spirit of care and mutual respect. 

Discuss turn-ons and limits. A great way to establish this is by making a “yes/no/maybe” list.

Yes’s are the things you feel enthusiastic about and consistently turn you on. No’s are your hard limits — things your partner should never do or that you know you’re not willing to try. Maybe’s are things you’re uncertain about but willing to try, or things you’re only interested in depending on your mood and the circumstances. Check in about any “maybe” items you’ve included in the scene before it starts, and don’t introduce any in the middle of the scene.

Have a safeword. As always, have a word either of you can say that signals “something is wrong, stop the scene and check in.” Some players pick a word that would never occur in the context of the scene (like “giraffe”), some use “mercy” or even “safeword” itself. The green/yellow/red system is a good way to check in consistently throughout the scene: green means keep going, yellow means ease the intensity and red means stop. The submissive partner can use those words at any time, and the dominant partner should ask “what color are you?” periodically. 

Once you and your partner have reviewed all the details, it’s time to play. Don’t forget to talk afterward about what you both enjoyed doing and what you’d like to try next time — it’s only going to get even better from here.  Don’t forget to shop around for your favorite sex toy or bondage toys from Cupid’s Box.